You can’t help who you fall in love with
BBC News are carrying an article about a former prison officer, Kelly-Anne McDade, who has just been sentenced to jail time for two things. She had a sexual relationship with a male inmate, resulting in her getting pregnant, and she also smuggled in mobile phones for use by inmates.
I’m not going to probe deeply into the case, but what struck me was the excuse/defense that her solicitor was trying to put forward.
Richard Germain, defending McDade, told the court: “There is no doubt it was an inappropriate relationship, but Ms McDade would say ‘You can’t help who you fall in love with’.”
via BBC NEWS | England | Beds/Bucks/Herts | Inmate-sex prison officer jailed.
This is a myth. You can help who you fall in love with. Perhaps you can’t help who you find attractive, but love is a completely different thing. Love is not an uncontrollable emotion. Once the impulses of attraction come along, we choose whether to act on them. We choose whether to show love to someone else. There certainly are feelings associated with love, but these feelings themselves are not love. They are merely associated with it. Over all, love is a choice.
If we are attracted to somebody, it doesn’t mean we have to love them. For example, if a married man is attracted to another woman (this itself is not a crime) but he must choose what to do with that attraction. Hopefully he will put in boundaries to remove or reduce the temptation, for the benefit of his marriage. He may avoid that woman and make sure he is never alone with her. Or if he has to meet her and part of his job or something, he could always meet in a public place. He could also confide and be accountable to someone else. There are many ways to reduce the temptation that would inevitably destroy his marriage, and avoid the attraction turning into something else. Each little step is a choice.
We can help who we fall in love with and it is the result of hundreds of little choices.
Update 12/01/12: There is now a more detailed post on the subject here.
Posted on November 13, 2009, in life, morality, news and tagged choice, love, marriage. Bookmark the permalink. 11 Comments.
Tee hee. You said “Probe” in a story about sex. Tee hee.
Sorry…. it’s a slow Friday.
You’re such a romantic!
I didn’t say it couldn’t be romantic. I choose to buy my wife flowers (although, she would say, not often enough!). Perhaps I was too ‘woolly’ about the issue…
And yes, I did say probe, Peter.
Tee hee – you said it again. “Probe”.
REALLY slow Friday…
Ok Peter. How about something more constructive…
I said you can help who you fall in love with. Do you think you can help whom you are attracted to? Discuss
I don’t think you can help who you’re attracted to. I do think you can help what you do with that attraction. You can certainly help who you “fall in love with”. Love is a verb, not a noun and your post is spot on!
I read this and I still think you can’t help who you fall inlove with … I’ve fallen for a hindu guy and in indian society aswell as relegion wise its forbidden yet I can’t help the way I feel!. You meet someone and you just know its right …
Lots people find them selves in that situation without a way out. Most of us are unwilling to talk about in the setting where we can be hurt by it. I feel for you and I know you have an imposible choice to make. Your family will feel betrayed if you act. You will feel that you betrayed youself, SORRY you know and feel all that. just looked at the date of your post hope it all turned out ok
Hi Muslim girl, thanks for you comment.
There are a whole range of things that come from attraction on an emotional, spiritual, physical level, but these things themselves are not love. They are associated with love – sure, but they are not love themselves. Choosing to act on them can begin the process of loving. Love is a verb, not an uncontrollable force. To love someone is to choose to put them first.
The Bible has an excellent description of what love is in 1 Corinthians 13 – love is patient, kind, not self seeking (read the whole passage here http://tinyurl.com/nojtbd). These are all acts of the will, not acts of feeling, and they point towards the character of God, who supremely demonstrated this love in Jesus. As we choose to love, and are given the power to do so by God, we identify with God’s character.
I think you have no idea about life, or love, at all …
Thanks Terry for your truly enlightening comment.